13w6d Heartbroken letter to my children....

To my beautiful Children,
Today Little one, your daddy asked me for a divorce. Mommy is heartbroken right now. I can't even put into words the pain I feel. It's not just for myself but you and your older brother. I wanted you to know what a happy family felt like. Mason is so young he won't remember the good times and you aren't even born yet. I still can't believe he is walking away. At this time he is not walking away from you or your older brother, just me. Atleast he still wants to be a father. I tried. I have begged him to work with me and I am going to try ONE MORE TIME. I love your father, so much. I can't figure out where it went wrong. I have asked him and he said "We just don't click anymore". Well, if you ask me, that's not really a reason for divorce but I have no say in the matter.
I just want you, little one and your brother to know that I love you more than anything. I would give my life for both of you. You are the only two things keeping me going right now. You two are my life savers, my angels. I'm so sorry little one, that I couldn't make this world better for you. I'll try to be the best mommy that I can. I'll try to smile even when I don't want to and laugh even though deep inside I might be crying. Why? Because you and Mason should never be affected by this. You all have done NOTHING wrong. If there is one thing your daddy and I can still agree on, it's that we both still love you more than life itself. I will do my best to keep this from hurting you both.
I love you both so much! Please don't EVER forget this.

With love ALWAYS,
Mommy

13w4d NT Scan...

Today was our NT scan to check for down's syndrome and a few other things. Baby was measuring just great! It was wiggling around all over the place. They pricked my finger and took a sample of blood to check for other abnormalities and defects. They said "No news is good news" so I'm hoping I don't get a phone call. I go back in three weeks for another u/s and more bloodwork just to finish up my testing. They tried to find out the sex today but they think the cord was tucked between it's legs so, no go. Oh well. We'll see what happens. Hopefully I will find out in three weeks!

I'm pretty sure I'm feeling the baby move now. That's exciting. At first I thought it was gas but I'm almost convinced it baby. I saw it kick on the u/s today and felt this tiny little "flutter" inside. I can't wait til it's just rolling all over the place!

I think we're going to make the news public soon. I've been nervous to spread the word because of last time's miscarriage but I'm almost 14 weeks and I think it's time to let others share our joy. We're still pretty nervous but... it will all be ok. Every baby is a blessing and my life could use one.

12 weeks!!!!! 'Nough said.

So... I made it. I don't know if the 2nd trimester starts today... or next Thursday at 13 weeks. I'm just so glad to have made it to this point. I checked the heartbeat a bit ago and it's still going strong! Some people know now. My parents know, Cody's mom and dad and sister know now too. I'm not sure who they will tell but I know his mom has been sworn to secracy until I tell my grandparents. I probably won't tell them until after the 28th. I have a nuchal transluciency (or however you spell that!) test on the 28th and we'll see if baby is doing ok and has no problems. After that we will spread the news. I'm a bit nervous to tell them because I'm afraid they will be angry/disappointed but... we'll see. We were a little a nervous about telling his dad but he took it pretty well I suppose. I think he had a heads up from Erika (Cody's sister) though. lol.

11w2d Found the heartbeat yesterday!!!!

So I'm a day late but I was busy last night at my parents. We switched TVs so now we have a big screen! Woohoo! Anyways... moving on.

Yesterday afternoon on a whim I pulled out the doppler and started looking for that little heartbeat. It took a few minutes but... I found it! It was still pretty quiet but it def there! Baby was alive and well yesterday!!! You just don't know how happy that makes me! We never found "Peanut's" heartbeat on the doppler so I'm really starting to feel a bit more relaxed. I want to start getting excited and start thinking "When" we take baby home... and not "if" we take baby home. Right now I'm still trying not to think ANYTHING. I feel bad though. This baby deserves a good start. It deserves to be bonded with, and thought of. Pregnancy is forever changed after a loss. I knew I would worry constantly if/when I ever got pregnant again, I just never knew I would feel guilty for it, feel any sense of detachment (which is only in self-preservation). This baby IS loved.

I wish there was a way to record the sound and add it to the blog but I don't know how. I'm going to try again today and see if Cody or someone can get it on my phone. What a beautiful sound to listen to everyday...

10w6d A personal milestone for me...

So today is officially one day past my latest miscarriage point! I lost "peanut" at 10w5d (dr.'s say 11w2d but u/s always dated me earlier). Today I am 10 weeks 6 days!!!! I know this means nothing in the scheme of things but it makes me feel a bit better. Every day "SpongeBob" is in there the better his/her chances get. I have to wait til Christmas Eve to feel somewhat safe. Hurry up Christmas!!!!

So we had another u/s yesterday. Baby was perfect! It was wiggling all around. It was great! Heart rate was 176. Again, the rate means nothing about gender but it's fun to think about. Everything was measuring perfect. The sonogram actually said my due date was 6.30 instead of 7.1 but they aren't going to change it. I was just so relieved to see that tiny heart beating. I keep thanking God and still can't believe this is really happening with no complications. Knock on wood.

10 weeks Morninging sickness from...

Well I think I'm finally over the flu. Apparently morning sickness to that as a cue to kick in. I am nauseous almost 24/7 right now. This is crazy. I threw up all over myself this morning. Great huh?

I think poor little Mason is getting the flu though. He has thrown up 2 times this evening and running a bit of a temp. I guess we're just going to pass from one to the other.

This was just a short entry. I don't really feel like typing much.

9w5d One sick momma...

I have the flu. It's awful! I'm not sure how long this post will be because I'm so nauseous and I'm not sure if it's morning sickness or the flu. I got sick suddenly Saturday night. High temps, body aches, the works. It was "great". I went to the ER two nights in a row. The second night I needed fluids because I was so dehydrated. I stayed at mom's on Sunday and yesterday I slept most of the day on the couch. I've tried to be up and moving more today but it's not that easy when every moment I'm having to take deep breaths to keep from throwing up. They have me on tamiflu but I threw up this morning's dose. Nice. The good news is at the ER the 2nd time they can u/s and found baby moving all over the place. The heart rate was REALLY high though. It was 217. I'm praying it's ok. I figure it was because of the fever. It's been down for over 24 hours now, so hopefully baby has gone back to normal. My u/s is in a week so, I guess we'll find out if it's all normal then.

9w1d Update from last post and Thanksgiving...

Sorry I didn't update sooner. To be quite honest, I forgot. This preggo brain is killing me. lol! The nurse didn't seem to concerned about what I found. She said as long as there is no cramping or bleeding, she said I'm fine. She also said if I was still concerned on Monday then they could get me in for an u/s and a check if I'd like. I'm feeling a little better so... we'll see if I'm still paranoid on Monday.

Thanksgiving was yesterday. I felt sooo fat and I KNOW people noticed. lol. I think they were just being polite and not asking "Hey, why are you getting so fat?" lol! I KNOW I was pudging. I'm hoping to hide this until after Christmas but I'm not so sure I can if I keep growing.

So I tried my doppler tonight. I couldn't find anything but I'm not too worried. I'm only 9w1d so it's still pretty early. I'll try again in a week or so.

8w6d Probably headed tot he DR/ER....

So I got curious and checked my cervix and it's High (good) Soft (can be good) and Open (BAD!!!) I called the dr and I'm waiting to hear back from them. I'm starting to wonder if I lost my last baby due to incompetent cervix. i was 11w2d which is close enough to the 2nd trimester. Also I lost the use of the lower half of my body last year. This oculd have made my uterus/cervix weak. I'm so nervous. I'm hopeful that if there IS a problem that I caught it early and maybe it can be fixed and the baby will be saved. I'll update when the dr calls back or after I get back from the DR's office/ER. It's the day before Thanksgiving... PLEASE GOD, let me keep this one!!!!

8w5d And the Paranoia sets in...

Well here I am at 8 weeks 5 days and the worry has officially set in. I saw my little one less than a week ago and already I'm DYING to him/her again! I even broke out the doppler a few minutes ago but I couldn't hear ANYTHING. I think I used the wrong kind of lotion or something. I couldn't even hear my own heartbeat. lol. I know it's too early and I probably won't hear anything anyways, but I just NEED to hear that heartbeat today. I don't even know why it hit me all of a sudden. I have this fear of missed miscarriage and I just know it will happen to me. If it's horrible and not really common, it happens to me. I think I'd rather bleed and go through all that then think I'm carrying a perfect baby only to find, it's not. I know is a very pessimistic entry but this is how I'm feeling today. I just want this baby to be ok soooo badly! It would also be just my luck to have a D&C on Thanksgiving. Blah. Only two more weeks until I see my little one again!

8w3d How our Little one got it's nick name....

Ok so I may have already written about this and if I am have, sorry. Pregnancy brain I guess. So our little one got it's nick name at our second ultrasound. Mason was running everywhere and would NOT sit down for anything. So my mother picked him up and sat him on her lap. She told him to watch the "movie" on the screen. He perked up and asked what movie we were watching. Mom told him to watch for Spongebob on the screen and when he saw him to let us know. Well as soon as the baby appeared on the screen Mason said "There he is!" Smart kid! lol. Then I immediately joked and asked the ultrasound tech if Patrick or Squidward was in there. They were not but we all got a kick out if. So, now our baby is known as SpongeBob. Poor thing. if it's a girl it's going to come out with a gender complex. LOL!

I'm feeling ok. I'm not as sick as I have been. Quite frankly it worries me. I'm sure baby is fine in there but I was enjoying the complete misery that it is morning sickness. It made me feel a bit better. I'm still exhausted so nothing has changed there.

Emotionally we are doing well. Cody is still kind of detached at this moment because of our loss last time. He doesn't want to get too excited for fear of losing the baby. He said if all is well at Christmas he will relax a little. Christmas Eve will put me at 13 weeks so I guess that seems reasonable. I guess when you're actually carrying said child, it's kind of hard NOT to get attached and place hopes and dreams into that bean. I just pray every night that God let's me keep this one.

7w6d but measuring AHEAD now! YAY!

I'm sooo excited. We had our 3rd u/s today. Baby is perfect. The heart rate was 169 and baby was actually measuring 8w0d and maybe even 8w1d! HOORAY! Everything looks great. I go back in three weeks for another u/s but it's an elective one just so I can get good pics of the little one. I'll be close to 11 weeks I think so it will be my last first trimester u/s. Crazy!

Morning sickness has definitely kicked in. I'm super tired these days and everything sounds gross to eat. I'm hungry all the time though so this is very difficult to deal with. I'm just counting the days until we reach our "safe" point even though I know something could always go wrong at any time. I'm not sure I was ready to handle this. The constant worry, always looking for blood, the shots in the my stomach, watching my weight/what I eat. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled there is a baby in there but last time kind of ruined the whole experience for me. When I was pregnant with Mason, I didn't really even worry all that much.... then with "Peanut" that's all I did and I lost that baby. Now, it's just constant worry again. I know isn't healthy for the baby and I know I need to calm down but, I won't rest until this little is in MY arms.

7 weeks 2 days (must change the dates AGAIN!)

Well I had my appt with the perinatologist yesterday. It was actually not bad at all. He was very nice, very friendly. They did a sup rise u/s and we got the see the baby! It has a beautiful little heartbeat of 138 beats per minute. I am still measuring at the July 4th due date range but they still want to keep it at July 1st. So.. I guess that's what I'll use for now. I'm just so thrilled to have seen the baby and know that it has a heartbeat. Sooooo exciting.

On a not so nice note, I'm sick. I think I have a cold. My throat hurts, I'm stopped up with a runny nose and just feel blah! Luckily no fever to speak of. I can't remember at what point I'm supposed to call the dr. I think it's over 100 degrees take a Tylenol and over 102 call the Dr/go in to ER. Hmmm... might have to google that. I think I'm ok though. The highest it has been was 99.7 so. Keeping my fingers crossed. I'm drinking Sunny D like it's going out of style. LOL!

So my next appt is this Wednesday with Dr. Mitchell (my regular OB) for another u/s. I'm not sure when I'll see him again. I go back Dec 28th for my third trimester screening for Down's and stuff like that. It's a VERY small risk but they still like doing to the screening just to be safe. Now I just have to hope and PRAY that I get to that point.

6w4d "Bad Dreams and oh so nervous"

Well I am 6 weeks and 4 days (again remember the possibility of dating being off...). I am NOT sleeping well. Bad dreams are ruining my life. I keep having nightmares. Anything from losing the baby to random stuff that doesn't make ANY sense. If I'm not having nightmares, it's vivid dreams that don't let me rest. I am so tired all of the time but I hate sleeping now. I just constantly wonder what I'm going to dream about tonight. I have woken up countless times in the last week with my heart pounding, dripping sweat from a nightmare. I had these with Mason but I don't remember them starting so soon. I hope they resolve themselves soon. I don't know if I can go through this for 7 more months.

Tomorrow is my first Perinatologist appt. I'm very nervous. I'm having to see the same guy that told me I should abort "Peanut". because of the heart surgery less than a year before. We jumped through hoops for this guy to shut his mouth about abortion... then when he FINALLY shuts up, we lose our precious Little one. The heart surgery is no longer relevant but the "cancer" they thought I had a few months ago might be an issue. My OB is perfectly comfortable with this pregnancy and so the oncologist that treated me, however we think I'm going to run into resistance again with this the Peri (Dr. Lodeiro). I'm waiting on a phone call back from my oncologists office. I have asked him to write a note specifically saying he is comfortable with this pregnancy and there is no threat of the "cancer" returning at this point. I have to this guy because of my clotting disorders. If it weren't for those... I would NEVER have to deal with this. Darn my body! Why does it always fail me and now it fails my children.

I'll post more tomorrow after I have seen the Dr. I can only imagine what type of nightmares I'll have tonight, just thinking about that guy ticks me off and scares all at once.

6 weeks 2 days.... I think. LOL!

Not much is happening so far. Feeling sick at nights mostly. I'm kind of queasy in the mornings but it gets bad around 9pm or so. Blech! So far no vomiting, so I guess I'm getting lucky. Headaches are a daily occurrence and I'm exhausted! I seriously could have Mason's sleep schedule and be fine. Awake 5 hours, take a three hour nap, awake 6 hours, and sleep 10 hours. Sounds perfect! lol.

We have been throwing around names for our little Rainbow. I think if it's boy it will be Oliver. I'm personally fighting for Amelia for a girl but Cody wants Coraline. Whatever happened to Olivia? lol. Middle names are still very much in the air. We probably won't come up with middle names until we know for sure the sex of the baby. This kid might now have a name.... ever! LOL!
I'm still waiting on my hcg levels that they drew on Friday. I'm going to call in a minute and leave a message for the nurse to call me back. 'sigh'. I just REALLY want to know this little one is developing normally. I find myself getting attached. Part of me doesn't WANT to get attached just because of fear of heartbreak again, but this baby deserves a good beginning too.

Oh we are also still trying to decide if I should get the swine flu vaccine. Cody doesn't think I should. I'm still in the air. I did read something that caught my attention. It said that the vaccine is not for children under 2. Is not a fetus under the age of 2? Good point right? lol. I'm leaning towards NOT getting it. I just know whatever decision I make, it will be the wrong one.

6w2d OR 5w6d???

Well we had our first ultrasound yesterday. There wasn't a whole lot to see. There was a beautiful little Gestational sac and lovely yolk sac inside of it. No baby visible yet and of course no heartbeat. However at 5w5d the Dr said that was very normal. They think I may have ovulated later in my cycle. He isn't going to change my Due date so according the the Dr I am still due July1 but according the ultrasound I am due July 4th! So.. for sake of development I will probably go by the later due date... unless it change AGAIN!

I'm feeling pretty sick these days. The nausea comes off and on all day. Right now I'm feeling so cramping/pressure and I'm a little concerned but, it's nothing horrendous. No spotting, not even after the ultrasound yesterday so I am very hopeful! I go back Nov 18th for another ultrasound. i will be about 7w3d or 7w6d depending on the due date you pick. But again, for developments sake... There should be a heartbeat at that time and beautiful developing little baby. I'm just sad that Cody will have to miss it. He works that day so I suppose my mother will have to take me. That's OK but I know Cody actually wanted to be pretty involved with this baby. It's most likely our last.

5 weeks 6 days! 3rd betaHCG results...

I was waiting sooo impatiently for these results! They FINA LY called me this morning. The news is GREAT! So at 3 weeks 6 days my levels were 77. At 4 weeks 1 day they were 159. Those levels were ok but I would have liked them to double faster. Well at 5 weeks 1 day my levels had risen to 2426!!! That's sooo much better. They are doubling every 36.63 hrs! I think we might just have a sticky baby in there! Here's hoping!

So as for symptoms, nausea pretty much all day but it comes and goes, exhausted, headaches... and now heartburn is added to the list. Hooray!

Ok well, just wanted to give a quick update. Our ultrasound is this Friday so I'm sure I'll update again Friday afternoon. I'm hoping and praying for a heartbeat. I'll only be 6 weeks 1 day but, I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

5 weeks 4 day!

Hello all! This is my first post. In this blog I plan to document my entire pregnancy journey. I'm doing this mainly for myself however later in pregnancy it may be nice to keep friends and family updated on my progress.

We found I was pregnant on October 21, 2009. Again, this was a surprise but I can't it was a HUGE shock. We were NOT trying but it is very welcome. After we lost our previous baby "Peanut" in January, we realized that every child is blessing and that if we are blessed with another child, whenever the time may be, it's a gift. Thought the timing may not be the BEST in the world, because honestly, I could think of better times... we are still thrilled to be expecting our Rainbow!

So far, so good. Everything is going as expected. I'm still very early. I feel like I'm holding my breath and just HOPING that this little one sticks. My hcg levels have been ok. They doubled so that's a good sign. I'm waiting on my 3rd blood draw results right now. I should hopefully have those by tomorrow, though last week my stupid Dr.'s office made me wait til Wednesday morning! I was livid. My first ultrasound is this Friday at 1:30. I will be 6w1d (w=week, d=day) so we'll see if we see a heartbeat. It might be a bit too early.
As for symptoms, today has been the worst days as far as nausea goes. I'm not sure if it's actual morning sickness or the progesterone pills.

Currently I am a prenatal, DHA to help with brain development (we want a smart baby! lol), baby aspirin to help with blood clotting, Progesterone because mine was low and baby needs it to grow, and Lovenox which is a shot I take once daily (for now) to help with blood clotting as well. I'm having to do a LOT to keep this one in there. As long as it keeps me and baby healthy, I don't mind.

I guess that's all for now. I'll keep this updated as often as I can. I HOPE to write in it every day here at first to document symptoms and such but... yeah I'm lazy so that probably won't happen. :-P