13w6d Heartbroken letter to my children....

To my beautiful Children,
Today Little one, your daddy asked me for a divorce. Mommy is heartbroken right now. I can't even put into words the pain I feel. It's not just for myself but you and your older brother. I wanted you to know what a happy family felt like. Mason is so young he won't remember the good times and you aren't even born yet. I still can't believe he is walking away. At this time he is not walking away from you or your older brother, just me. Atleast he still wants to be a father. I tried. I have begged him to work with me and I am going to try ONE MORE TIME. I love your father, so much. I can't figure out where it went wrong. I have asked him and he said "We just don't click anymore". Well, if you ask me, that's not really a reason for divorce but I have no say in the matter.
I just want you, little one and your brother to know that I love you more than anything. I would give my life for both of you. You are the only two things keeping me going right now. You two are my life savers, my angels. I'm so sorry little one, that I couldn't make this world better for you. I'll try to be the best mommy that I can. I'll try to smile even when I don't want to and laugh even though deep inside I might be crying. Why? Because you and Mason should never be affected by this. You all have done NOTHING wrong. If there is one thing your daddy and I can still agree on, it's that we both still love you more than life itself. I will do my best to keep this from hurting you both.
I love you both so much! Please don't EVER forget this.

With love ALWAYS,
Mommy

13w4d NT Scan...

Today was our NT scan to check for down's syndrome and a few other things. Baby was measuring just great! It was wiggling around all over the place. They pricked my finger and took a sample of blood to check for other abnormalities and defects. They said "No news is good news" so I'm hoping I don't get a phone call. I go back in three weeks for another u/s and more bloodwork just to finish up my testing. They tried to find out the sex today but they think the cord was tucked between it's legs so, no go. Oh well. We'll see what happens. Hopefully I will find out in three weeks!

I'm pretty sure I'm feeling the baby move now. That's exciting. At first I thought it was gas but I'm almost convinced it baby. I saw it kick on the u/s today and felt this tiny little "flutter" inside. I can't wait til it's just rolling all over the place!

I think we're going to make the news public soon. I've been nervous to spread the word because of last time's miscarriage but I'm almost 14 weeks and I think it's time to let others share our joy. We're still pretty nervous but... it will all be ok. Every baby is a blessing and my life could use one.

12 weeks!!!!! 'Nough said.

So... I made it. I don't know if the 2nd trimester starts today... or next Thursday at 13 weeks. I'm just so glad to have made it to this point. I checked the heartbeat a bit ago and it's still going strong! Some people know now. My parents know, Cody's mom and dad and sister know now too. I'm not sure who they will tell but I know his mom has been sworn to secracy until I tell my grandparents. I probably won't tell them until after the 28th. I have a nuchal transluciency (or however you spell that!) test on the 28th and we'll see if baby is doing ok and has no problems. After that we will spread the news. I'm a bit nervous to tell them because I'm afraid they will be angry/disappointed but... we'll see. We were a little a nervous about telling his dad but he took it pretty well I suppose. I think he had a heads up from Erika (Cody's sister) though. lol.

11w2d Found the heartbeat yesterday!!!!

So I'm a day late but I was busy last night at my parents. We switched TVs so now we have a big screen! Woohoo! Anyways... moving on.

Yesterday afternoon on a whim I pulled out the doppler and started looking for that little heartbeat. It took a few minutes but... I found it! It was still pretty quiet but it def there! Baby was alive and well yesterday!!! You just don't know how happy that makes me! We never found "Peanut's" heartbeat on the doppler so I'm really starting to feel a bit more relaxed. I want to start getting excited and start thinking "When" we take baby home... and not "if" we take baby home. Right now I'm still trying not to think ANYTHING. I feel bad though. This baby deserves a good start. It deserves to be bonded with, and thought of. Pregnancy is forever changed after a loss. I knew I would worry constantly if/when I ever got pregnant again, I just never knew I would feel guilty for it, feel any sense of detachment (which is only in self-preservation). This baby IS loved.

I wish there was a way to record the sound and add it to the blog but I don't know how. I'm going to try again today and see if Cody or someone can get it on my phone. What a beautiful sound to listen to everyday...

10w6d A personal milestone for me...

So today is officially one day past my latest miscarriage point! I lost "peanut" at 10w5d (dr.'s say 11w2d but u/s always dated me earlier). Today I am 10 weeks 6 days!!!! I know this means nothing in the scheme of things but it makes me feel a bit better. Every day "SpongeBob" is in there the better his/her chances get. I have to wait til Christmas Eve to feel somewhat safe. Hurry up Christmas!!!!

So we had another u/s yesterday. Baby was perfect! It was wiggling all around. It was great! Heart rate was 176. Again, the rate means nothing about gender but it's fun to think about. Everything was measuring perfect. The sonogram actually said my due date was 6.30 instead of 7.1 but they aren't going to change it. I was just so relieved to see that tiny heart beating. I keep thanking God and still can't believe this is really happening with no complications. Knock on wood.

10 weeks Morninging sickness from...

Well I think I'm finally over the flu. Apparently morning sickness to that as a cue to kick in. I am nauseous almost 24/7 right now. This is crazy. I threw up all over myself this morning. Great huh?

I think poor little Mason is getting the flu though. He has thrown up 2 times this evening and running a bit of a temp. I guess we're just going to pass from one to the other.

This was just a short entry. I don't really feel like typing much.

9w5d One sick momma...

I have the flu. It's awful! I'm not sure how long this post will be because I'm so nauseous and I'm not sure if it's morning sickness or the flu. I got sick suddenly Saturday night. High temps, body aches, the works. It was "great". I went to the ER two nights in a row. The second night I needed fluids because I was so dehydrated. I stayed at mom's on Sunday and yesterday I slept most of the day on the couch. I've tried to be up and moving more today but it's not that easy when every moment I'm having to take deep breaths to keep from throwing up. They have me on tamiflu but I threw up this morning's dose. Nice. The good news is at the ER the 2nd time they can u/s and found baby moving all over the place. The heart rate was REALLY high though. It was 217. I'm praying it's ok. I figure it was because of the fever. It's been down for over 24 hours now, so hopefully baby has gone back to normal. My u/s is in a week so, I guess we'll find out if it's all normal then.